Friday, January 7, 2011

would this opening grab you?



The Insect Collector. Chapter One

     In terms of karma, I have a permanent deficit with the insect world. Somewhere, I think they keep my name and picture on a hit list. Bea Thompson: Most Wanted Bug Killer. I have at least a hundred insects in my collection by now. They must want revenge. When you consider all the time I spend chasing them, it's no surprise that I get stung occasionally. It's totally logical, but still, it feels totally personal.



I am painstakingly working on getting my WIP into fighting shape for the query process.

I am going to continue to post elements of my book in the next weeks. So, tell me, would this intro grab you?

Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I can take it. I would rather hear it here, than from an agent...

11 comments:

  1. I love it!!

    It's funny, has voice, and sets you up for the quirkiness of the main character's bug-collecting!

    Seriously, I think it's a great opening. :D I can't wait to read more!

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  2. This is EXTREMELY Strong. well done

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  3. Such a great opening! I noticed that the voice sounds a bit mature, but maybe that's part of the character trait. Either way, I'd continue to read to see what may happen next. :)

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  4. The best part for me is "Bea Thompson: Most Wanted Bug Killer." Is there a way you can start off there maybe? Because I feel like it gets lost inside the paragraph.

    PS: Feel free to say "shut up, Alicia." I won't be offended. Much.

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  5. I like it. It's quirky and different from anything I've read! I agree with Alicia. That's a strong part, a unique part, of this opening. Maybe try it first? Good luck!

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  6. shut up Alicia- only kidding! You said I could say it!

    thanks everyone - this feedback is VERY helpful. This whole section was buried farther down in the first chapter and at Erinn's suggestion I moved it up. I will see how I can continue to tweak it to get the bug killer line front and center.
    Thanks so much for the helpful comments everyone.

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  7. Yes! I agree. Start with "Bea Thompson: Most Wanted Bug Killer" or some variation. the phrase "permanent deficit" doesn't sound like something a teen would say. Also, I wouldn't use the word totally twice in that last sentence. But other than that, great opening. I like the karma idea and the bugs wanting revenge. That's funny!

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  8. If this was buried somewhere, then it's definitely good advice to pull it up to the start. It's a great opening, I'd definitely read on. (And actually, I'd really love to, let me know if you need somebody for that!)

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  9. Thanks Joanne and Amie! I appreciate the input Joanne. Big help!
    Amie- I will take you up on that!

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  10. I agree that there's an immediate sense of voice and enough of a hook to draw the reader in. I do question how many teens use the word 'deficit', though if you wanted to show her maturity/mad vocabulary skills then that fits.

    And to be contrary, I think if you moved the 'Bea Thompson: Most Wanted' to the first sentence then it would make the earlier sentences repetitive and there is some nice voice and imagery there (the hit list). Where it is now, it's a punchy summary to the previous sentences and acts as a good segue into the insect revenge theme.
    - Soophia.

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